Why Shouldn’t I Judge People, If They Judge Me?

BY SOFO ARCHON

Recently, I published an article on being non-judgmental. Shortly afterward, I received an interesting email from a reader (I will call her Laura), who shared her concerns on the topic. Below is her message, along with my response.

Justine’s message:

Hello Sofo,

I base my whole outlook on not being judgmental, but in the end, the people I love still judge me. In fact, I have made it an art to not judge people, so instead, I just suffer because I realize that the people who judge me don’t really know me and don’t need to, because they can think whatever they want. I somehow feel extra betrayed, though, because I convinced myself that fair play is not judging. I know they are the ones losing, because their own misery lies in their own perspective of the world…but when everyone does it, and I’m the only one that doesn’t…I am alone.

Is it possible that today the non-judgmental people are the snobs? Because that is the way it feels. Does that make sense to you?

I love your blogs,
Laura

My response:

Laura,

Having a non-judgmental attitude is a result of the understanding that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes in life. It’s the realization that everyone has been through difficult times and is possibly moving toward a brighter tomorrow. It is the acceptance of the fact that every single person is a unique individual and the comprehension that their individuality should be respected. A non-judgmental attitude gives others space to be who they are and supports them in their efforts to turn into the best version of themselves.

Of course, the reality is that most people are quick to judge each other, and no matter how little we judge others, it’s likely that we’ll be judged by them… a lot. Does that mean that judging others would make life easier for you, just because you’re being judged by them? Not at all. In fact, doing so could create a hell of a life. In essence, to judge means to have certain expectations of people—to want them to be different from who they are—and the reality is that no one is going to fulfill your expectations. Hence, emotional anguish and social conflict are inevitably experienced by those who are focused on judging people.

You say that you feel betrayed and suffer because of others judging you. But what does that mean? That you judge yourself according to the opinions others have of you. To be non-judgmental means, first and foremost, to not judge yourself. How could you stop judging others if you can’t stop judging yourself? It’s impossible, for the way we see others is a reflection of how we see ourselves.

And you’re right, people who call themselves non-judgmental are indeed usually snobs—they are the ones who try to boost their egos by claiming that they are non-judgmental. Instead of trying to boost their egos by openly judging others—like most do—they do so by pretending to be saint-like. But this also comes from a judgmental mentality. If you are non-judgmental, what is the need to shout to the world that you are so?

If you feel judgmental, there’s no point in trying to show that you’re not. Simply accept the fact that you are, and try to look into why that is so. Why the constant need to judge others? What is the reason behind your judgmental attitude, and how does it make your life any better? Once you start sincerely asking those questions, you’ll change how you look at yourself and others, and this will be a good first step to developing a genuine non-judgmental attitude.

Love,
Sofo