BY SOFO ARCHON
This is the transcript of a spontaneous talk.
How can one best deal with toxic people?
Sometimes, there are people in our lives who are quite toxic. People who are very nasty, hateful, abusive, manipulative, controlling. People who make our lives harder, who disrespect us, who don’t care about us and want us to suffer, or who don’t even realize how toxic their behavior is.
So, how can one deal with such people?
I’m going to share with you a few tips that will possibly make your life easier if you’re dealing with toxic people.
The first one is to try to understand those people. Why do they behave this way?
A lot of times, because we don’t understand those people, we try to deal with them by fighting against them. And what that does is adding fuel to the fire, because it makes our relationship even more complicated. They control us, and then we try to control them. They try to make us feel worse, and then we try to make them feel worse too. How can healing take place in such an environment? It’s impossible.
And the other thing is that, often, abusive people want to get our attention because this way they can find another opportunity to attack us. And so they want us to engage in conflict. They’re like parasites who live on this negative energy. So by trying to fight them, we give them what they want, and we let them thrive.
If we study those people, we will see that actually they are not evil people as most of us think. We try to fight against them because we think that they are bad. But if you study their psychology, you will understand that in almost all cases there are people who are deeply hurt. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people.
So, once we understand them, we start seeing them with empathy. And once we realize that there is no point in fighting anyway, we stop fighting. So what can we do instead?
And this brings us to the second point that I want to make, which is, try to communicate to them as best as you can what the problem you’re having with them is. What is the situation exactly? What makes you feel hurt? What do they do that complicates or burdens or worsens your life?
Whatever that is, bring it up to them. Say, “You know what, this happened, you said this, you did this, and I don’t enjoy this kind of relationship that we are having. It deprives me of my happiness and joy.” And you can be particular about what happened, what that person does that is affecting you. And you can express to them how you feel, the emotions that you have — without fighting, but just by telling them honestly what it is that you are feeling. And tell them, “You know, I wish we had a great relationship,” and then tell them what would be the ideal relationship, what would be the ideal situation, what they could change to respect your boundaries.
Now, that’s not an easy thing to do. It requires a lot of courage and clear-mindedness. And a lot of people who engage in toxic behavior don’t easily change. They will not accept their wrongdoings, and they will try to manipulate you into thinking that the problem is you. And sometimes there are situations in which it’s difficult to even express your feelings to that person, but still it is worth trying. Because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Now, if they don’t respect your boundaries and continue to behave in the same old way, then the best thing that you can do is to distance yourself from them. — as much as possible. I know that this is very difficult to do; it’s easier said than done. Especially if, let’s say, your livelihood depends on them. If those people are your employer, you might find it hard to leave your job immediately and find another one. Or maybe you have children who need food, and you’re providing it to them, so you need to earn money. But see your options and try your best to distance from those people as soon as possible.
Now, when you do that, your abuser, that toxic person will maybe try to come close to you. But if you maintain your boundaries when you meet that person again, you might see that that person changes his mind. That person might apologize, that person might say, “Yes, you were right.” I’m not saying that this is going to happen. Probably not. But there are good chances that it might happen as well. Because people who are very controlling start to respect those who don’t fight against them but are still confident in themselves and take no shit from others. Because those people, you have to understand, are controlling because they feel that their own life is being controlled by others. They abuse others because they themselves have been abused.
If you stand up for yourself, they see in yourself the higher, so to speak, version of themselves. They see what they deep down want to be. And if they liked, truly liked some parts of your relationship with them, they might want to actually try to repair it. And they will stop doing silly things to you, as long as you stay honest and don’t allow them to do things that you don’t want them to do.
Now, if nothing of that works, if you cannot distance yourself from them, and they keep on abusing you or engaging in toxic behavior, then the next best thing that you can do is to seek support, to start talking with other people — with people who are close to you, your friends, your loved ones. You could have done that already, of course. But if you haven’t, then now’s the time.
Just sharing your feelings, just sharing your experience, will help you immensely, because your pain is being shared by other people. And you know that those people are there for you, you have their support, perhaps they might also give you some good advice.
You could also seek professional support. There are people who have studied deeply for years this kind of dynamic in relationships, and they could provide you with some solid advice about what you can do, how to better understand abusive people, and how you can better understand yourself. Because a lot of times we find that when we are engaged in such a relationship, and we cannot get out of it, we contribute our part to it.
Now, my intention is not to put the blame on you. But there is this small part that we usually play in maintaining relationships that are toxic. That’s why, for example, you see that some people always end up being with abusive partners — they must play some role in it. Maybe they are not confident enough. Maybe they don’t establish healthy boundaries. Maybe they don’t speak out their minds. There are several reasons. So it’s good to find people who know about those things.
If you don’t have the financial means to do that, then you can read books or find information online. Of course, there is a lot of crappy information online, but you could come across some amazing information that can help you to see things with very different eyes, that could help you to better understand yourself and those people, as well as what steps you can take to effectively deal with them. And what I’ve found is that, in most cases, we could free ourselves from toxic relationships or at least to significantly minimize them. So, remember that, and don’t lose heart.