How to Disagree without Fighting

BY SOFO ARCHON

Do you often find yourself fighting with others over something you disagree with?

I used to do that too, but over the years I’ve had a few realizations that helped me express my disagreements without turning them into fights. The most important one was learning to see my opinions and beliefs as a nonessential part of who I am.

Some people tend to identify strongly with certain beliefs or opinions. In fact, they often become so identified with them that they see them as an extension of themselves. As a result, whenever someone challenges those beliefs or opinions, it can feel like a personal attack. Naturally, such people may become defensive in order to protect themselves from criticism and reassure their own sense of being right.

Here is a simple example to illustrate my point:

Suppose you are a Catholic who believes that God created the world only a few thousand years ago—a belief held by some Catholics. But one day someone presents you with scientific evidence showing that the world has actually existed for billions of years. Because of your attachment to your religious beliefs, you might be unwilling to consider the evidence. Instead, you might insist that they are wrong, arguing that humans cannot know better than God, and that you are right because you follow the word of God. You might even become angry, shouting that they will burn in everlasting hellfire for disbelieving God.

This is where most fighting originates: from the desire to prove ourselves right and others wrong.

When I detached myself from my beliefs and opinions, I stopped feeling the need to prove myself right or to prove others wrong. On the contrary, I started to welcome disagreement. I even like it when someone proves me “wrong,” because being proven wrong benefits me: it allows me to better understand myself and the world around me.

Being proven wrong is part of our journey toward greater intelligence and wisdom. It’s a healthy and necessary aspect of personal growth. Therefore, it’s important to question our beliefs and allow others to question them as well.

I had a mistaken belief about something, so what’s bad about that? Like everyone else, I don’t know everything—and that’s perfectly fine. In fact, I know very little, and I am aware that my beliefs and opinions may be wrong. As a result, I no longer feel the urge to fight. Do I still disagree with others? Absolutely—and often—but not as a means of fighting. I disagree to communicate my thoughts, to better connect with others, and to strengthen my relationships.

Relationships become stronger through disagreement if it is handled with positive intent. Otherwise, disagreement can hurt relationships, create distance, and spark conflict. So when we disagree, we need to be extra careful to navigate it wisely.