How to Stop People-Pleasing

BY SOFO ARCHON

Just the other day, I came across an interesting meme. It showed a man building a cage around himself, with the caption above it reading:

“The expectations of others were the bars I used for my own cage.”

The meme reminded me of a situation many people—perhaps yourself included—often find themselves in: trying to please others while harming themselves in the process.

There’s a term for that kind of behavior—it’s called people-pleasing, and it usually begins in early childhood.

Where People-Pleasing Comes From

When we were children, we had some basic human needs—chief among them the need to be protected and provided for. Unfortunately, many of us grew up in unsafe, unstable, or even abusive environments that caused significant stress and suffering.

To create a sense of safety, we learned to please the people closest to us—our parents, siblings, or caregivers. In this sense, people-pleasing can be understood as a trauma response: an adaptive coping mechanism that served a crucial purpose—helping us navigate situations where our well-being, or even our survival, depended on it.

But here’s the problem: as adults, many of us continue to engage in this behavioral pattern, even though it no longer serves us. People-pleasing has become second nature, and whether we realize it or not, it’s taking a toll on our lives.

The Most Common Habits of People Pleasers

Before we explore the negative effects of people-pleasing, let’s first look at some common behavioral and psychological habits of people-pleasers:

• Saying “yes” when they want to say “no”
• Apologizing for things they’re not responsible for
• Suppressing anger, sadness or other “negative” emotions
• Avoiding expressing their genuine thoughts and opinions
• Constantly worrying about what others think of them
• Feeling hurt when someone criticizes what they said or did
• Being afraid of making a fool of themselves
• Flattering others, even those they dislike
• Avoiding disagreement and conflict
• Wanting to appear perfect
• Being overly alert to others’ moods and reactions
• Doing favors for others, even when they don’t want to
• Remaining in relationships with people who mistreat or abuse them
• Feeling unworthy of love and respect
• Letting others dictate how they should live
• Showing compassion to others, but rarely to themselves

Now, let’s turn our attention to how people-pleasing affects our lives.

The Negative Effects of People-Pleasing

The effects of people-pleasing can be deeply detrimental—not only to ourselves, but also to our relationships and even the world around us. Here are the most significant consequences:

Stress, anxiety, fatigue, and illness. To keep others satisfied, people-pleasers often suppress their emotions. They may want to cry in sadness or scream in anger, yet wear a polite smile to avoid conflict. They might crave rest and solitude, but push themselves to fulfill others’ requests. They may want to say “no” and leave a harmful relationship, but choose to stay out of fear or guilt. This constant emotional suppression leads to chronic stress, which can result in fatigue as well as mental and physical illness. Furthermore, because people-pleasers strive to control how others perceive them, they frequently experience anxiety—and deep disappointment when things don’t go as they hoped.

Resentment and regret. When we ignore our intuition, dismiss our feelings, and act against our own needs and values just to please others, we end up betraying ourselves. Over time, this self-abandonment breeds resentment—not only toward others but also toward ourselves. People-pleasers often discover that their efforts go unrecognized or are taken for granted, leaving them feeling unappreciated and disheartened. Eventually, this can lead to profound regret for not having lived in alignment with who they truly are.

Dysfunctional relationships. Although people-pleasers long to create harmony in their relationships, their behavior often has the opposite effect. One reason is that their actions can come across as inauthentic. In a sense, they hiding behind a mask—not out of malicious intent, but out of self-protection. Like chameleons, they adapt to their surroundings so completely that others rarely see their true colors—at least initially. This lack of honesty can lead to misunderstandings and, once revealed, serious interpersonal conflict. Moreover, because of their weak boundaries and difficulty asserting themselves, people-pleasers tend to attract controlling personalities, such as narcissists or bullies. Even then, the manipulative tactics of such individuals can make people-pleasers feel valued and loved—often keeping them trapped in toxic relationships.

Lack of joy, freedom, and meaning. People-pleasers live inside a psychological cage that stifles their authenticity. They struggle to relax, speak their truth, pursue their passions, or simply enjoy life, because they are constantly preoccupied with how others perceive them. This fear of disapproval prevents them from experiencing genuine joy, freedom, and purpose. Over time, they may feel an inner emptiness that they mistakenly try to fill by pleasing others—rather than caring for themselves.

Political obedience and conformity. Often overlooked by psychologists when discussing the negative effects of people-pleasing, this is an important point to consider. People-pleasers tend to comply with sociopolitical systems, even when those systems harm society or the planet. This is because they are often afraid to publicly question authority, challenge the status quo, or move against the majority. Instead, they remain passive and compliant, doing as they are told—perhaps secretly hoping that someone else, usually a political or religious figure, will come to save them. In doing so, they allow injustices to persist, even when they know in their hearts that something is deeply wrong.

How to Stop People-Pleasing

If you’ve found yourself people-pleasing often and are wondering how to stop this destructive behavior, the following guide may help.

1. Become conscious of your behavior. The first and most important step in overcoming people-pleasing is recognizing when you’re engaging in it. To address any problem, we must first acknowledge it—and the same holds true here.
2. Don’t blame or judge yourself. To some extent, everyone tries to please others. There’s no need to feel ashamed, guilty, or bad about it—especially once you understand why you do it. As we’ve seen, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism developed to keep you safe, so be grateful for the protection it once offered you.
3. Listen to your internal guidance. Everyone has an inner voice or gut feeling that reveals what feels right or wrong in any moment. To connect more deeply with it, spend regular time alone and pay close attention to your inner world—your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. This awareness helps you discern your true needs and desires, which is essential for communicating them to others.
4. Respond—don’t react. People-pleasers often react automatically, saying or doing things they don’t truly want to. To break that pattern, learn to pause, reflect on your needs, and respond consciously. For example, if someone asks for a favor, take a few moments to consider whether you genuinely want to do it, instead of immediately saying “yes” out of habit. If you’re unsure, let them know you’ll think about it and get back to them later.
5. Practice honesty. The purpose of communication is connection—and genuine connection depends on honesty. When we hide our true thoughts and feelings, others can’t truly know us. We may please them out of fear of rejection or a desire for validation, and they might like us because of that—but in reality, they only like the mask we’re wearing. As a result, our relationships remain superficial. Ask yourself: do you want people to like you for someone you’re not? Wouldn’t it be better to connect with those who appreciate you as you are? By recognizing the importance of honesty in building authentic, fulfilling relationships, you’ll begin to open up and experience deeper, more meaningful connections.
6. Set your boundaries. In a healthy relationship, we open our hearts to include another person as part of our lives. That, however, doesn’t mean we should avoid setting boundaries. In fact, for any relationship to thrive, boundaries are not only helpful but necessary—they communicate our needs and limits, and they protect us from manipulation or abuse. To establish boundaries, express them clearly—both at the beginning of a relationship and as it evolves. For instance, you might ask someone to stop lying to you, to be punctual for meetings, or to avoid playing loud music while you’re resting. If they continue to disregard those boundaries, make it clear that there will be consequences, such as distancing yourself from the relationship.

I hope you found this guide helpful. Needless to say, breaking free from people-pleasing can be immensely difficult, as it involves undoing deeply ingrained mental and behavioral patterns. Yet through introspection, self-compassion, and a commitment to honesty, it can certainly be overcome—or at least greatly diminished.